When Not To Wear
A Felt or Straw Hat

This is a good time as any to talk about when not to wear a felt or straw hat. It's odd that you could wear either at this time of year and be quite comfortable with this freakishly warm, un-Oktoberfest weather we've been having. So grab an ice-cold Hop Harvest Ale or a Guinness Stout or whatever makes you happy at the day's end and ponder the following list.

1. Don't wear a straw or felt hat when a thunderstorm is dropping bowling-ball heavy hail. It will not only dent your auto it will probably ruin your hat.
2. Forget the hat during a tornado and make like Auntie Em for the nearest basement or cellar.
3. Ditch a felt or straw hat during a snowstorm and for heaven's sake don a knitted one! Preferably one that you made yourself so you can at least brag about it when someone compliments you on it.
4. Absolutely do not wear a felt or straw topper while unplugging the toilet. If your chapeau falls in, you will never ever wear it again.
   
5. Must I say you should not to wear your hat to bed? You will not only ruin it, but you'll get bits of straw and probably felt all over your bed. That's worst than Nabisco crackers.
6. It's best to take off your straw or felt cocktail hat while washing your face. Blobs of Neutrogena or will likely bleach your hat beyond repair.
7. Take off the abovementioned head covering while flipping pizza dough in the air. That floury mass could land, yes, on your you-know-what.
   

That's it for tonight. The stuff of tonight's dream is the floppy straw hat called the Whitley by Eugenia Kim. If you've got any no-nos to add to my list, I'm all ears.